maymay: Why I Love My Girlfriend's Cocks

I love my girlfriend's cocks. My favorite is eye-catching, to say the least: bright and semi-translucent silvery-white, with dimmed rainbow colored sparkles glittering all over its surface and deep in its shaft. It's smooth and bigger than I can comfortably fit inside my mouth, which I'm happily working on changing. And when we have sex while she's wearing it, the collisions of her pelvis with my ass feel like firecrackers of ecstasy exploding deep within me.

To put it bluntly, while fucking, I prefer to get fucked. Unsurprisingly, this sometimes causes confusion among my friends when we talk about sex. I remember one conversation I had while driving home from a party many years ago in which it took me 20 minutes to figure out the miscommunication.

"Wait a minute," my friend said at last, "how can she not be touching your penis when you have sex?"

"Well, sometimes I'm touching it," I told him. "Sometimes she masturbates me during sex, but not always. It just kind of depends on which of us has our hands available right then!" I smiled, reliving more than a few fond memories.

"But…" he continued, "aren't you inside her?"

"What?" I said, surprised. Then it occurred to me that we were crossing wires. "Oh! No, I'm sorry. When I say 'sex,'" I explained, "I'm usually talking about her penetrating me with her strap-on. I say ‘intercourse' to mean penis-in-vagina sex."

The same miscommunication I had with my friend years ago still happens with others today, only now I'm much better about preempting the potential confusion. The prevalence of assumptions that men penetrate and women are penetrated, which both men and women too often make for my liking, also highlight numerous contemporary sociosexual constructions. Among these are the idea that men are the sole active, dominant initiators of sex, while women are the passive, submissive receivers of sexual advances, that all men who enjoy anal pleasure are gay, and that all women who enjoy penetrating a man are sexually dominant. In reality, however, all of these misguided generalizations are just that: artificially developed ideas that only mirror contemporary mainstream attitudes about sex, not individual experience.

It took me years just to begin to understand the oppressive limitations these assumptions put on my sexuality. Such an elementary view of sex literally leaves much to be desired -- like, say, prostate stimulation. In my opinion, the heavenly experience of prostate pleasure is the single most compelling piece of evidence that God, if one or more exists, actually chose to reward men for taking it up the butt, if they are so inclined.

So strong is my desire for penetration that I internalized new vocabulary for discussing the different ways I could have sex with a partner. "Sex" doesn't say much about the activities taking place, when you think about it -- and you should if you want to have fun instead of disappointing miscommunications! Moreover, I found that the better I got at decoupling an activity from a preconceived notion of what it means, the more fun sex became. That goes for strap-on sex just as much as it goes for penis-in-vagina intercourse.

When I first tentatively explored anal sex, which I began doing in the shower using the handle of a discarded toothbrush, I thought what I wanted was the woman's role, passive and receptive. At that age, surrounded as I was by the false hegemonic view of penetration as being the same as masculinity, what else could I think? Maybe I was really a woman, because if being a man meant a distaste for anal pleasure, then I certainly wasn't one of those.

But as the years went by I discovered, to my admitted surprise, that I'm not a woman. I'm a man. One's gender identity, such as man or woman, and the enjoyment one gets from a particular sexual activity, such as penis-in-vagina sexual intercourse or strap-on sex, are in no way directly correlated. So too are sexual orientation and enjoying anal sex distinct from one another. I've had anal sex with both men and women, but I've so far enjoyed being penetrated by the women a lot more. For me, a big part of the fun is seeing their enthusiasm.

Another, perhaps, is the endless capacity for novelty. Over the Christmas break, I splurged and purchased a new cock for my partner. This one is thicker and shorter than her sparkly cock, and it's curved a little differently. It's the fourth my current girlfriend owns, and something like the tenth that I've personally tried. With each new cock she straps on comes the joy of experimenting all over again. Things that were less-than-great with previous cocks become better with certain new ones, and in this way my number of "favorite" positions has ballooned from 1 to 4.

Sometimes I'm on my back, which lets our eyes lock. Other times I'm on my knees. I particularly like being on all fours because that also gives me leverage to do some of the thrusting myself, and it brings out the lusty animal part of me. And by the way, how utterly cool is it that she can literally flip her cock upside down so it meets my prostate wherever it goes?

Especially considering my sadomasochistic inclinations, enjoying strap-on sex shamelessly was also among the most difficult things for me to achieve. The women who I saw engage in it on porn shoots and in the hyperbolized mainstream were so thoroughly dressed up in shiny black latex corsets, and the men so completely shamefaced, penitently screaming for "punishment," "humiliation," or emasculation, that I struggled to reconcile my desires for anal penetration with a positive self-image for years. I am not, nor have I ever been, interested in making my girlfriend give me a good fucking out of anger or because I did something "wrong." I don't get off on the idea of being a "worthless sissy," or on being "less than" a man. All I wanted was to have sex that gave me really good orgasms.

Sure, sometimes I want penetration to be about power, but it never has to be. And even when it is about that, it always has to be about good sex first and foremost, not about some misguided morality or sexist system of beliefs. To borrow a phrase from Violet Blue, "you don't have to be Mistress Asscrusher, and he doesn't have to answer to Worthless Buttslut, in order to enjoy strap-on sex."

I may be a buttslut, but that doesn't make me -- or any other male buttslut -- worthless. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got something delicious that's silvery-white and filled with rainbow sparkles to go put in my mouth.

Going from a disgruntled youth to a sexual freedom community organizer, "maymay" is a hardcore technologist with a passion for social justice. He has lead sessions at conferences such as Sex 2.0, often speaks on the intersection of technology and sexuality, and is a co-founder of the BarCamp-style sexuality unconference series KinkForAll.org. He also curates the photoblog MaleSubmissionArt.com, co-hosts the Internet talk show KinkOnTap.com, and has dozens of other projects in various stages of creation.